Chapter Three

I wake, and hear a growling I assume is the air conditioner, broken. I try to move and- realizing I cannot- begin to panic. Something heavy is pinning me down, sitting on my chest, squeezing the air from me.  I cant breath, and begin to choke. I cant see; my eyes closed, with locked lids I can’t open, stuck and superglued. I feel paralyzed, mummified, catacombed. The pressure on my chest is getting worse. I am being crushed. Inside, I am screaming, struggling to break free. Outside, I am still, a cold statue. I struggle, telling myself to move, move! Using all my energy, intention, will power,  to push myself from the inside out, trying to wake up. Trying to get up. To open my eyes, and see. It is too difficult, no it is more than that. It is impossible. And now, a thought rises in me, that I will be stuck here forever. And then another, that I have been always been stuck here. No -stop panicking, this is just a dream, I tell myself, trying to still my beating heart that I can hear thudding, thudding against my chest, like a boom boom boom I am surprised does not break the statue of me from the inside out. This is just a dream, I keep repeating. Just a bad dream, and I will wake up from it, soon. I will wake up from it and everything will be good, will be normal. You, will be alive, and with me. Already, the idea of you gone is not a real one, drawn from the format of a movie or a book, it is a two-dimensional memory, an idea painted in the faded flickering colours of fiction.

 It is that belief that calms me, and stills my heart into a silent stutter, and then I eventually wake. When I open my eyes, there you are. Two eyes shining staring at me with a fierce intensity, and you are smiling! Something tainted in malicious. 

Test Me

Test me? You? you want to test -me?

do it, then

do your fucking worst!

-or try

that’s as close you can get.

to try your best

Bring it.

you small, small, small

small small person

with your eyes and your mind

closed

like a tiny fistful

of shit.

you don’t know me yet

this. is. not. me. at. my. worst.

so, IF you want to test me

you’d better be fucking ready.

Because I will

React.

You don’t know

You obviously have no idea- yet

what it means to

test me

Welcome Spring

The bumblebees have finally defrosted! I saw them today, buzzing around the newly opened fresh flowers, and the sun is so warm- it is fantastic, all you want to do is close your eyes and smile and be baked by its warmth. I sat in the sunshine to read, and the shy black and white cat who usually sits in the ‘nest of grass’ behind there walked away, eying me as if I were taking its spot- haha, sorry friendly neighbour cat, but don’t you know the weather is changing now? you don’t need to sit in that corner anymore- it is not that cold, go find a spot in the sunshine, like I have, and enjoy it 🙂 meow. I love how all the trees have buds today, they have only just woken up, tomorrow they begin to be leafs and after that, we will have shade the from the ever growing stronger sunshine, and it will be perfect. I’ve been waiting for this, because my tomato plant is ready to go outside, it has grown for the last three months of winter from an upstairs window, it has reached the ceiling of that already and the first two yellow flowers are hanging down from it, I don’t know how long it will take, but I think that it will bloom like a firework as soon as I let it breath in a bag of soil and in the ‘real’ outside world and sunshine. It is ready. and like it, I feel ready for the world 🙂

Good Morning, world.

Sometimes, I feel as if there is a dark cloud over the world, if- like in TheTruthYouAlway’sKnew’s post about the world being one brain (I’m sorry if I got this idea wrong, and thank you for letting me think from it) then its like, the people with negative energy are winning, and the ones with positive energy are dying out or being influenced by the shadows. Or maybe- probably- these are just my own reflections that I see, I woke up today following a third day of strange strange nightmares- this time, though I kept waking again and again from the dream it kept continuing as if I hadn’t, I was running away from the person from that horror film (can’t remember the name) but in my dream I was running and running and running, even putting my hands to the floor to sort of push me to run faster- I jumped over fences, through yards- houses- everywhere- to escape, at one point I broke into a house, crawled beneath the open windows where he would find me, waited there then when i ‘couraged’ to look out the window for a second he was there staring right at me, so I ran again. I’m surprised I’m not feeling tired right now! still.. I don’t ‘feel’ so afraid of nightmares anymore- its kind of like watching a scary movie, only I should have been sleeping, ha. 
speaking of energy though, all I wanted to feel today was some positive happy goodmornings, someone maybe- to ask (and listen) to how I was, am. The place I found the most positive energy though was through my morning music playlist (yay for acoustic singalong beats ha 🙂   ) today I have a meeting in 2 hours to set me up for being more busy over the next few weeks ( yay) this is good, already I feel more fresh and awake for it. and ps. Goodmorning World, sent with a positive energy and a sunshiny warming face feeling 🙂 

Happy Seventieth Birthday to my beautiful Mama today

Happy Seventieth Birthday to my beautiful Mama today

My inspiration, a source of nurture and kindness, like a blanket of love and protection, that ground that says “no matter what- you will be okay” and when the world’s whirlwinds become too much, too chaotic- I only need look to her, she will say “sit here” and read Quran over me, her hands tingling with a power that only stems from the purest intention, and i feel better at once. She has rid me of nightmares and fears, she has made me stronger and taught me right from wrong. Mama has raised six children, and raises them still- as adults. With the instincts of a lioness she will reminds them not to lose their way, and that if they do, still, she will be there- to help them find it again.

I wish that I could be there to celebrate this day with you. Since I cannot, I will celebrate a day following your advice-  I will pray for you. and, I will finish my final assignment.

wishing you a happy day of peace and joy. 

With lots of love, from your youngest.

 

Remember your Roots

I look up to the setting sky

A thin film of darkening grey clouds

turning a speckled pink in the distance

I feel a thin breeze from the slightly ajar window

And I think-

The music should be off

And feel guilt for it

The mosque will play its song soon

My ears programmed to their echo

From different places

different voices different melodies reaching

calling, asking, reminding, preaching.

And in this- western- place

There is no call and yet

In my mind I hear it

as crystal as clear as water

or air

And Djinn- my mother is saying- will be rushing

Everywhere, for cover. Afraid of its sound

Looking for shelter beneath palm trees

It is a dangerous time to be outside!

And I, I should know better

Than to have a cigarette outside

At this time

Than to play Parov Stelar’s jazz.

If I want to be grounded

I should remember my roots

I should know that I can’t be

A million people in a second

or from a million places

A million roots will grow a million

trees

A million fragments and millions of

Leafs

While a person can only be

One.

i is an illusion

‘i’ is an illusion. This world is made of many and ‘i’ is a vision too close-up, too personal. ‘i’ is a fragmented respresentation, it is a mistruth, it is an error.  This world is impersonal. It is an ocean and a wave. It is the sky and universe, the planets and the stars and moon, and what are they- anyway? it doesn’t matter. It is everything all at once. The present happens, not by your presence, not by your lack of presence. It just happens. it is an A presence not an ‘i’ presence. How best to experience it? Forget yourself, forget that an ‘i’ ever existed and think outside the box. Look at a wall and not that it is a wall you face, but rather just a wall- an end in itself, an obstruction and a statue,a column, a support, a thing to break the space, think of its presence in itself, look at the sky and think- it is not a sky above you, rather, it is that thing surrounding a world. It is the world’s placenta, it’s antishock, it is that endless nothing thing that surrounds everything. It is that empty sheet of paper. I don’t know where I’m going with this.